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Sunday, November 7, 2010

Argue-holics Anonymous

Hello, I'm Jim. And I'm an argue-holic. (Hello, Jim). I argue politics. I can't help myself. I know it's self-destructive behavior. It's cost me friends, jobs, relationships with family members. They say the first step is admitting you have a problem. Someone told me there were 12 steps, but I disagreed, and well, it turned into an argument.... anyway, I'm just glad to be here tonight. Thanks, everybody.

I remember the first time I argued politics. It was a thrill. It was cool. And everybody was doing it. Little did I know that it was going to ruin my life. It took me over-- I had no control. I called in sick at work to argue politics. I started hiding it from family members. Then came that day when I couldn't pay the rent because I had bet all the money on John Edwards winning the Democratic nomination in 2008. That's probably when I first realized I had a problem.

First, it was just mainstream politics. You know, liberal and conservative. Save the environment. Stuff like that. But before long, I was wearing buttons supporting Dennis Kucinich. Watching Keith Olbermann. And, you know, I have to admit it.... I actually joined I thought ACORN was right. And I really didn't care where Barack Obama's birth certificate was. Yeah... I'm an argue-holic. And I will be the rest of my life. But it's been two days since I've had my last argument, and you know... they were the best two days of my life.

Don't get me wrong-- I wanted to argue. I wake up wanting an argument. Barely a second goes by in the day when I'm not thinking about ramming facts and intellectual reasoning down some poor Tea Party-ers throat until they give in and admit I'm right. I mean, I actually dream about arguing. Lambasting John Kasich until his pock-faced beady little eyes pop out, and he wets his pants and cries for his mother. Or actually getting anyone on Fox News to admit they are really a republican propoganda machine.

Yeah, that's how bad I am. I mean, there are times that I think I'd rather argue than have sex. And in my sick little mind, I kinda wish I could argue while I was having sex. You know, maybe even have sex with a staunch republican. And the whole time we would be doing it, I could yell things like, "yeah, am I doin' ya? Am I doin' ya like Bush did our personal liberties? Am I pumpin' you like gas was $4 a gallon?"

Oh, I know some of you think you're an argue-holic, but I'm the worse. I mean, it's not like I invented it, but sometimes I used to think I had perfected it. Hell, I used to think I could argue Sarah Palin down until she admitted she wasn't even competent to run a bake sale.

It's a sickness-- I know. It never changes anyone's mind. And all it does is eat me alive, and destroy the people around me. No one understands it... well, not unless they've gone through it.

I remember trying to explain to my girlfriend why we should vote a straight ticket, and she replied "but I thought we believed in gay rights?" And then I argued with her. And she's a liberal.

I thought I could wean myself off by just arguing sports. Maybe a little religion, too-- you know, the existence of the soul, and does it really get hot in Hell? But before I knew it, I was actually defending Barack Obama's health care plan. It only took one comment, and I was right back in the middle of it, like I had never stopped.

That's why I'm here tonight. Because I know I need help.

Hi-- I'm Jim. And I'm an argue-holic. If you don't mind, I'm just going to sit here and smoke cigarettes, drink ten cups of coffee, and let someone else talk for awhile.

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