New Third Party Ideas

(this orginally appeared on evans-politics.com, Paul Evans' (no relation) website, a couple of weeks before the Nov.2010 election)


I think it's time for a Party expert to weigh in on the whole new Party scene happening in America. Having attended Ohio University-- one of the premier party schools in America-- I consider myself to have a better perspective than most on this situation. As I am also a Patriot, it therefore is my duty to share with America deeper insights into the Possibilities of Potential Third Parties.

First off, let's examine the concept of TheTea Party.

Unless you are a four year old girl with a plastic china set, the Tea Party really shouldn't excite you. Seriously-- Tea? Isn't anyone familiar with the phrase “Tea Totalers”? It's a phrase used to indicate the exact opposite of a Party. And, increasingly with every Christine O'Donnell press release I see, it also accurately describes what people like her would do to our country if we let them run it-- Total it. As in a wreck that is too expensive to fix. But one thing for sure-- these people are proving that no Tea Party is complete without some nutty fruitcakes.

The Coffee Party sounds attractive at first, but when I visualize the local Starbucks, and see bug-eyed, over-caffeinated people with no jobs, using wi-fi and chatting on Facebook about how they have no money, I think-- of course you have no money! You don't have a job and you are buying $5 coffee!
And then it occurs to me-- simply on the principle of more experience in deficit spending, plus the embracing of internet technology, The Coffee Party wins out over the Tea Party as being more qualified to run our government.

But is that really a good Party? Maybe if you graduated from Miami of Ohio. But for an Ohio U. guy-- the kind who tells his Ohio State friends “I'm sorry about the beating Ohio gave you guys Saturday-- of course, I'm talking about the mascots, not the football game”-- the answer is No, that's not a good party.

So let's get serious. What we really need is The Reefer Party.

Walk with me through my logic.

The t-shirts would be cooler, because they would be tie-dye. There wouldn't be any mad rantings about hating classes of people-- the rallycry would be more like “I love you, dude!” And the economic recovery plan could be solely based on increased Dorito sales.

Plus, if we had some whack job who couldn't pronounce an Iranian leader's name, or thought they could see Russia from their doorstep, we would simply say, “How good is their stash?”

Sure, it might result in more teenage pregnancies. Sure, the candidates might lose track of their train of thought mid-sentence, and rely on a catch phrase to bail them out-- like, I don't know, maybe “you betcha!”.

Sure, they might make claims that are totally off the wall, and cave in completely under the pressure of sober interviews meant to judge intelligence, character and competency. That's to be expected from stoners.

OMG-- I think Sarah Palin has already invented this Party! Maybe I missed something. Maybe she really represents The THC Party.

Of course, this new Party would face a stiff challenge from The Tequila Party.

Not surprisingly, this Party would have a solid Mexican immigration plan. A little salt on the hand, a twist of lime, and everyone does a shot. Whoever gets the worm gets citizenship.

That might work in the Southwest, but in the Heartland, I see a strong uprising from The Beer Party.

This Party would naturally be fond of Pork-- preferably a nice grilled sausage with brown mustard. Conventions would be held in the parking lots of pro football games. And instead of loyalty oaths, only breathalyzers would be required.

It all sounds good for the common man, but the rich amongst us will want something different.

They will want The Costume Party.

Everyone will wear masks. No one will be able to see the 'real you'-- only the image you want to promote to the public. If you don't dress up right, you won't be let into the festivities. And of course, it is 'invitation only'.

Kind of like they want Washington to be right now, if you think about it.

I know-- it seems like I'm not taking the problems of our country seriously, at all. It seems like I am abandoning any pretense of dealing with reality.

What I am really abandoning is the joke that is American politics in 2010.

Let's face it-- the Democratic and Republican parties seems like they are just two puppets on the same billionaires' hands. Like Punch and Judy, only in this play, it's the public that gets whacked.

It takes one million Americans making $50,000 a year to make one Bill Gates. One member of the Walton family. Hell, it takes one thousand Oprahs to make one of them.

We spend over $30,000 a year to put people in prison. 90% of them wouldn't be in that sitaution if we gave them a job making that much.

And the super rich in this country think that only they should be able to have health care-- or to put it more bluntly, they want the poor to die.

But we keep voting for the same two Parties that got us here.

It really brings a whole new meaning to the phrase 'Party Crashing', doesn't it?

Because that's what these Parties seem to want to do to our country, our lives and our futures.

In reality, the most accurate description of how the American public deals with politics could only be expressed by yet another new group.

The Slumber Party.